Burnt.Out.

(Written Tuesday night – at least I think it’s Tuesday night.)

Yep, as you probably expected, I wore myself out. Well, my employers – or whatever you call the folks that engage the services of a contractor- wore me out. Too many screw-ups at the end of a very long few days pushed me over the brink. I have other options; I need to pursue them. Not that I’m making any big decisions tonight; the biggest one I’m facing is whether to drink rum and diet Coke or vodka and cran-grape juice as I watch Duke and Michigan State – college basketball has returned!!

It’s such a hard dance, balancing work and play. Or at least paying for play. Working from home has been great because I can take my job with me when I travel. But now that my traveling is winding down, that benefit isn’t nearly as attractive. And I’m wearying of working a mindless job for way too many hours just to pay my bills, especially when I know I’m capable of so much more. Not to mention, I have no time to pursue the things I love, like writing and suntanning and reading and just wandering around St. Augustine. Or seeing friends, for crying out loud.

So maybe they’ve done me a favor, in their own little dysfunctional way. Maybe they’re part of the collective shove I need to move into a new phase of earning a living. Not that I can see ever sitting behind a desk in an office again (at least an office that’s not my own), but bartending, or writing, or – well, something else, sounds a lot more attractive.

Not that anything is going to change today or tomorrow. I’ll be traveling for three weeks in December (it sounded like a good idea when I made the plans last summer), so can’t really pursue anything concrete here in NEFL. But I am going to start thinking about it. The idea of only working 8 hours/day is intoxicating, as I come out of a week of 20-hour days. When you spend all of your time trying to make enough to pay the bills, with no time left over to pursue your passions, let alone just live, there’s something very wrong. The satisfaction I’ve always gotten from doing a job well isn’t enough, suddenly.

I’m tired. I’m weary, exhausted. Fed up and worn out. So I’m going to watch some ball, then go to bed early. Tomorrow I’ll work in the morning, but I won’t push myself like I have been doing. I have a women’s networking luncheon at noon, and then will be spending the afternoon with a friend. With no computer or phone – as my friend Jim Hoehn would say, I’m not calling in sick, I’m calling in gone. (musical interlude)

Anyway, watch for changes coming up. Nag me if it seems that I’ve become complacent, and fallen back into old routines. Life is short; I need to get back on the track of following my dreams. Maybe I need to make a list of those dreams and tattoo it on my forearm – a road map, per se. (Yes, I remember I’m supposed to do a blog post about those dreams…)

And if you hear of anything interesting, let me know!