And just like that, half a year is gone. We used to measure how long it took to get used to writing the new year on our checks, but who writes checks any more? I still have to stop and think about what year it is, and it’s already half over.
Since I got back from Key West, I’ve fallen back into regular routines. Work, drinks with girlfriends, work, a little live music, work, walks on the beach, and work. But all with an undercurrent of analyzing where I am in the world, and where I’m supposed to be going. I’ve been talking to my friend Laurie about how sometimes life has to trip us up to make us reexamine the path we’re on. If we’re on the wrong path, and nothing happens to change that path, we could continue blundering in that wrong direction forever. So maybe when things seem to fall apart, that means it’s time to reevaluate and get your feet back on the right path.
I’m pretty sure I’m not, for many reasons. Relationships, work, money, social life, creativity – I’m just not where I thought I would be by now. I’ve been going back through the blog posts I wrote in 2007 and compiling them into a coffee table book for myself. And it’s eerie, and a little eye-opening, to read my thoughts from six years ago and find that I’m still in many of the same ruts that I was in back then. It’s pretty illuminating that I’m still complaining about the same things that are wrong in my life. That’s not to say there’s not a ton of good stuff in my life; it’s just that the things that weighed me down then, still weigh me down now.
I’ve always been a person who wants things to be smooth. Not make any waves, not have to deal with any conflict. Pass through life quietly, making everyone happy. But, I think I’ve been letting life push me around rather than my directing it – at least for the last few years, anyway. Maybe that’s why I find myself standing in a place where I really don’t want to be.
So, it looks like I need to make some major changes. I need to get off the couch, meet people, pay some bills, find more predictable income, stop pouring my energy into black holes, stop thinking so much. Get back into society. It’s going to mean stepping way out of my comfort zone, but that zone really isn’t that comfortable any more.
My friend Patti told me about a movie she saw that helped her and her husband reevaluate what’s important to them at this point in their lives, and what isn’t. They’ve been making some pretty big changes, and are thrilled with the result. I look around me and see my friends’ lives changing, and mine has stayed the same.
So anyway, I’m faced with the need to make a lot of decisions. Or, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, I’ll continue to sit on this couch and gaze at the world outside, wishing I could be a part of it. It’s way too comfy in here – and way too lonely. And life apparently does NOT come knocking at your door, in spite of my fervent desire that it would.
I’ve started taking baby steps toward change. So far, I haven’t seen any concrete results. But at least I’m taking them. In the coming days, I need to take a ton more. I need to find the courage to take them, and the strength to make the changes that I need to make to get back on the right path – whatever that path is. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but hopefully admitting it is a good start. I have been way too sad and lonely and lost for way too long.
So wish me luck, strength, clarity, imagination, excitement, and courage. I’m gonna need all the help I can get!
(Now that I’ve told you, there’s that many more people that I have to be accountable to. So feel free to nudge me every now and then, and make sure that I’m moving forward. Thanks!)