A couple of years ago, Google ate my blog (long story). I was so proud of that blog. It was the place I poured out my heart, and kept track of my travels. When I couldn’t write anything else, I could write there. It was my way of keeping in touch with my friends, letting them know what I was up to and where I was. And my way of processing the craziness that is my life. Lots of people read it – even total strangers – which made me feel pretty special. But then Google ate it, and I was never able to recreate it. I try here, but it’s just not the same.
I was able to find cached copies of most of the posts online, and carefully saved them to my laptop. And as I find a spare minute or two, I’ve been creating hardback books of those entries, year by year. But the software is cumbersome and crashes regularly, my pictures are in a number of different places, it takes forever to format…all very good reasons why it’s taking so long to finish the project. That, and spare minutes are hard to find.
Anyway, now I’m working on 2007. I’m not reading the entries yet – proofreading will come after I get it formatted and the pictures in their proper places. But when I do glance at them, I’m dismayed that I don’t seem to have progressed very far when it comes to the issues that I wrestled with.
I still spend too much time looking ahead, and behind, and completely ignoring what’s right in front of me. I don’t appreciate what I have, constantly searching for something bigger, better, more interesting. I still think life will be better in the next place that I live. I still work too much. I still think too much. I still spend way too much time alone, and am way too lonely way too often. I still hate spending Friday nights alone. I still wear my heart on my sleeve, and pay the price.
There are good things that haven’t changed, though. I still treasure my friends above everything. I still stand on the same soapbox, reminding folks that life is short, don’t wait to do what you want to do. I still love sunsets on the ocean, the mountains and the beach, and miss North Idaho when I’m not there (even though I live in Florida now, and rarely get back). I still believe I’m going to find someone to love, who will love me back – although that one gets harder and harder to hang onto.
I try not to get too upset with myself for STILL not having conquered the dragons that I’ve been wrestling with for years, although I would think that by now I’d have moved onto different dragons. Maybe we all have themes in our lives that never go away. Maybe the dragons are the same, but just change shape, or color, or size.
Or maybe I’m just too hard on myself, and we all have dragons that slither through our lives that we never really can conquer. Although that’s a hard one to accept for a perfectionist like me.
Anyway, hopefully at some time in the not-too-distant future, I’ll read these posts and think wow, good thing I finally slayed THOSE pesky critters. Maybe realizing that they’re still hanging around will help get them out of my life once and for all.
Guess I better go sharpen my sword…