Control freak

I admit it. I’m a control freak. I’m not sure that I’m proud of it, but it’s what I am. I know why I’m that way (I won’t bore you with the gory details of growing up in a home where I tried to control the uncontrollable and once the habit began, it was hard to stop), and usually I coexist with it just fine. Sometimes I rebel and leave dishes in the sink all night or bite my tongue when things don’t go as I think they should, but in general I keep a firm grip on everything that goes on around me.

So it’s frustrating when I find an area of my life that I can’t control. And these days, it’s my brain. Or my thoughts, to be more accurate. I seem to be determined to want something that I not only can’t have, but is not in my best interest to have it. But as much as I rationalize and try to talk myself out of wanting it, I’ve had absolutely no success.

I’m not sure why I can’t grab onto these thoughts, wrestle them into submission, and shove them into a deep dark hole in the recesses of my mind. I guess it’s the old story about someone telling you not to think of a zebra. And of course, what’s the first thing you think of? Yep, a zebra. As soon as I try to convince myself to think of something else, to want something else – you got it. That’s all I think of, and all that I want.

Obviously, I need to figure out a new way to get a grip on my rebellious brain, since everything I’ve tried so far has failed. I think it might have something to do with my tendency to think that there’s something better than what I have or where I am. If I lived here, the world would right itself and I’d live happily ever after. Or if I was with this person, or doing this thing, or – well, you get the picture. There’s a fine line between striving to better yourself and/or your situation, and constantly chasing wayward dreams.

Then again, maybe I’m able to control my head, but not my heart. And unfortunately, the Ship of Beth is very much run by the heart. And even though I’d like to change that fact, after (mumble mumble) years, I fear that’s not going to happen. That might be one of those things I need to accept about myself (see earlier post re Popeye), that I yam who I yam, and who I yam is an emotional heart-driven Pollyanna.

Anyway, hopefully in time I’ll figure out how to control these crazy dreams. I’ll finally convince myself that what I want isn’t necessarily good for me, and accept that I need to let it go and move on. There are a few things in my life right now that I need to get a grip on – maybe once I master one, the rest will magically fall into place.

Or not.

One of these days I’m going to throw caution to the wind and give up control for a day. I’ll do all of those things that I don’t normally allow myself to do.  I’m not quite sure what those things are – but deciding to do them is a good start, isn’t it?

And maybe I’ll find a way to lock those desires in a box and toss them into the murky depths so deep, they have no chance of resurfacing. Life would be a whole lot easier if I could indeed do that.

If you’re not a control freak, congratulations! Maybe in my next life I’ll be able to let things happen, without feeling the need to manage them. (With my luck, I’ll come back as a dandelion seed, being blown about by the four winds.)(Or a worm.)

Now it’s off to bed, where I’ll practice channelling those wayward brainwaves into wanting something achievable. Or at least something that’s good for me. Wish me luck.

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8 Responses to Control freak

  1. LH says:

    Oo, oo, ooooo!!! Over here!! **bounces back and forth from one foot to the other, raising hand HIGH in the air** Ill ‘one-up’ ya! Im all of that, AAAANNDDD Im the most competitive person you will ever meet. So, in short, Ill do everything in my power to get what I want, stopping short of virtually nothing, and then when I get it, IM BORED and dont want it anymore! Hahahahahaha – can you say ‘freak o’ nature?’ I think Im a “goal-driven” (a-hem, spoken with a stupidly fake big grin) soul who only wants a goal, to achieve or attain it, and then to be pointed toward the next carrot! Im changing my name to BunnyRabbit. Enjoy your overanalytical overthinking – cuz you have company!

  2. Brancy says:

    I had a smile on my face the entire time I read that post! I too am a control freak, crazy childhood, bad first (only) marriage, as you say, whatever, it’s what I am. But I do feel like a lot of my “controlling” is for the sake of others as well. I am a firm believer that if you plan things, they will go much better than if you just let them happen, but if there is a bump in the road I just modify the plan and don’t get nuts over it…but it’s the other part of your post that really intrigued me. I have “wanted” the wrong man for me on and off (well never stopped wanting him, just gave up the pursuit from time to time) for nearly 30 years and have NEVER been able to understand why! Of course in between rendezvous with him, I was in other relationships, one actually replaced him in my heart but he died, so….my aching heart sought him out again and so I was back on the not-so-merry-go-round.

    And then one day I was hanging out with him during one of my visits to So Cal to see my family and something snapped inside and I wanted to leave and I’ve never wanted to see him since (well over a year now, not just yesterday ; D). It was one of those “my life flashed before me” moments where I was thinking about how much the other men as well as myself suffered throughout my life because of my wanting to be with this guy, and I really looked at the big picture for the first time, truth is I couldn’t live with this guy, we are way too different, maybe not 30 years ago but certainly now and although he could make me happy for a day, he could never sustain that over time, which he had already proved time and time again, but I had refused to look at that fact before.

    Other than “Mr. Wrong”, bottom line, it seems the only way I can stop wanting something that isn’t good for me is to get it since it seem way too often, once I get what I want, I don’t want it anymore! Please enlighten me if you have any idea where that one comes from because it’s just plain annoying!

    • Beth says:

      Well, at least you stop wanting the bad-for-you stuff once you realize that it IS bad, Nancy! That’s a start. 🙂 Maybe we just need to experience things before we understand them, instead of being able to step back and see them for what they are without going through the hard parts. Got me! I think Richard might have some answers, though…we’ll have to see. 🙂

  3. bajadock says:

    I like the whip, boots and… I’m calling that a bar stool! Peace wished your way.
    ~ from a not so deep thinker

  4. Richard says:


    They now knew what the answer was.

    The question was going to be a lot more work…….

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