I admit it. I’m a control freak. I’m not sure that I’m proud of it, but it’s what I am. I know why I’m that way (I won’t bore you with the gory details of growing up in a home where I tried to control the uncontrollable and once the habit began, it was hard to stop), and usually I coexist with it just fine. Sometimes I rebel and leave dishes in the sink all night or bite my tongue when things don’t go as I think they should, but in general I keep a firm grip on everything that goes on around me.
So it’s frustrating when I find an area of my life that I can’t control. And these days, it’s my brain. Or my thoughts, to be more accurate. I seem to be determined to want something that I not only can’t have, but is not in my best interest to have it. But as much as I rationalize and try to talk myself out of wanting it, I’ve had absolutely no success.
I’m not sure why I can’t grab onto these thoughts, wrestle them into submission, and shove them into a deep dark hole in the recesses of my mind. I guess it’s the old story about someone telling you not to think of a zebra. And of course, what’s the first thing you think of? Yep, a zebra. As soon as I try to convince myself to think of something else, to want something else – you got it. That’s all I think of, and all that I want.
Obviously, I need to figure out a new way to get a grip on my rebellious brain, since everything I’ve tried so far has failed. I think it might have something to do with my tendency to think that there’s something better than what I have or where I am. If I lived here, the world would right itself and I’d live happily ever after. Or if I was with this person, or doing this thing, or – well, you get the picture. There’s a fine line between striving to better yourself and/or your situation, and constantly chasing wayward dreams.
Then again, maybe I’m able to control my head, but not my heart. And unfortunately, the Ship of Beth is very much run by the heart. And even though I’d like to change that fact, after (mumble mumble) years, I fear that’s not going to happen. That might be one of those things I need to accept about myself (see earlier post re Popeye), that I yam who I yam, and who I yam is an emotional heart-driven Pollyanna.
Anyway, hopefully in time I’ll figure out how to control these crazy dreams. I’ll finally convince myself that what I want isn’t necessarily good for me, and accept that I need to let it go and move on. There are a few things in my life right now that I need to get a grip on – maybe once I master one, the rest will magically fall into place.
One of these days I’m going to throw caution to the wind and give up control for a day. I’ll do all of those things that I don’t normally allow myself to do. I’m not quite sure what those things are – but deciding to do them is a good start, isn’t it?
And maybe I’ll find a way to lock those desires in a box and toss them into the murky depths so deep, they have no chance of resurfacing. Life would be a whole lot easier if I could indeed do that.
If you’re not a control freak, congratulations! Maybe in my next life I’ll be able to let things happen, without feeling the need to manage them. (With my luck, I’ll come back as a dandelion seed, being blown about by the four winds.)(Or a worm.)
Now it’s off to bed, where I’ll practice channelling those wayward brainwaves into wanting something achievable. Or at least something that’s good for me. Wish me luck.