Why is it we have either too much time, or too little? For that matter, why do we either have time and no money, or money and no time? Or is it a matter of perspective?
I like being busy. Not frantically, insanely busy, but having a list of tasks and chores that keep me moving seamlessly through my day. I like being productive; it makes me feel as though I’ve earned my place in the world. Wasting time feels like a huge black mark on my record because there aren’t enough minutes in a lifetime as it is, so how can I justify wasting any of them? I’m sure I’ll look back at the end of my life and wish I had spent those wasted minutes more wisely. But then again, I’m pretty hard on myself.
When I’m not busy, I have too much time to think. And when I’m not focusing my thoughts on a specific project, they turn to less productive avenues – like picking myself apart. All it takes is a slight dip in my self-confidence to give me fodder to overanalyze and criticize every aspect of my life. Then I get mad at myself for wasting time being so critical, so it’s a double whammy.
Obviously the solution is to fill my time with something productive. That might be why I move so often: all of that moving and cleaning and packing and organizing keeps me pretty busy, and feels constructive. It’s once I get settled that I look around and realize I once again have time to fill – and decide I should move.
Right now I have way too much time on my hands. I’m not working (although I AM looking for work). I’m housesitting, so don’t have chores. I don’t have extra cash to shop, and don’t really need anything anyway (although retail therapy is a nice distraction). I don’t have a full social calendar. So my stupid brain is working overtime, finding reasons to be miserable. Which is just dumb. I need a lobotomy.
Actually, I need to get back to writing. I need to channel my overactive mind into finding an agent, or deciding to self-publish, or deciding to stop writing forever and find another creative pursuit to occupy those frantic brain cells. I would fill my time with going to Disney or shopping or traveling or going to movies or restaurants…but that’s where the “no money” part of having too much time comes into play.
It would help if I could allow myself to relax. To play without feeling guilty. To stop overanalyzing everything. To just be for a while. It’s a lesson I’ve tried to learn before, to be content with what lies directly in front of me instead of always looking ahead to where I should be, and what I should be doing.
See? Even this post is over-analytical and self-critical. I’m a lost cause.
Maybe today I’ll take time to relax. There’s a writer’s meeting I might go to, a concert in the park (with cake!), and the first night of college football (although the games I want to see are Saturday night – go Boise State and Oregon!). And this weekend there are lots of chances to play. I have friends in town from MD, so we need to plan a visit. A dear college friend has offered pool time and grilling with her kids. There’s live music, wine tasting, and who knows what else? Think I can turn off my brain for a couple of days and just live, without that still small voice whispering in my ear, “Why aren’t you doing X?”
I hope you have enough time to play AND be productive today. And enough money to do both. And if you have any suggestions on how to still an overactive brain/conscience (legally), I’m all ears!