(Yes, I know today’s Tuesday. Since it hasn’t happened yet, it’s hard to write about it.)
Yesterday was a nondescript day. I drove down to St. Augustine and wandered aimlessly, taking care of odds and ends but nothing exciting or earth-shaking. I walked the beach, but all of the seashells were gone (I found a bunch of huge whelks on Sunday morning, thanks to Irene). It was too hot to walk outside, so I postponed touring the Old City for another, cooler day. I wandered through one of the outlet malls and found a pair of flip flops to replace the ones that broke in Coeur d’Alene this summer, and successfully navigated past the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (and its trays of yummy caramel and chocolate-covered apples) without stopping. I tried to get online at the library, but the connection was glacial so I quickly gave up. Filled the car with gas, ate an early lunch…and wondered what to do next.
So I went home. Although it’s not my home, so there’s nothing to do when I’m there. It took a while this morning to feed the cats, clean the litter box, coax the old kitty to eat her food with the medicine in it, clean up the hairballs, feed the feral cat that stopped by…but once all that was done, my tasks were complete. When you’re in your own home, there’s always something that needs doing. But in someone else’s house, all I can do is sit on the couch.
Anyway, the day passed. I found the football game online and watched it with one eye while I searched for apartments and sailing lessons. I’m trying to find another source of income, since my online job has dried up, so filled out applications and took tests. Wrote a couple of emails. And thought way too much.
I don’t do well when I’m not working – or at least, not busy. Way too much time to think about what isn’t, and what will never be. Way too easy to wallow in imagined sorrows. I need to get back to writing, but it’s hard to be creative when you’re feeling lost. (I could write about feeling lost, I guess.)
We’re all allowed a down day now and then. But too many in a row make for a down Beth, and that’s no good. At the end of a day like yesterday I look back and think about the time I wasted, and how I could have spent it in a much better way. And I get mad at myself all over again, for wasting precious moments. Moments that I’ll never get back.
Hopefully I’ll find where I packed my motivation, and Tuesday will be a better day…that’s my intent, anyway. Wish me luck!