Boy, have I lost it.
I’ve let my priorities get skewed, focusing too much on work and too little on life. Trying to be the perfect employee, which means I’m not being the perfect me. And as a result, I’m perfectly miserable.
Working from home presents its own unique challenges. Many people aren’t disciplined enough to schedule their time in such a way that all the work gets done. I seem to have gone off the deep end in terms of focusing solely on getting the work done, and letting everything else slide. There has to be a happy medium between too much work and too much play, and I haven’t found it.
My job hasn’t been consistent for over a year, so when there’s work I feel compelled to focus solely on that, because the next week there might not be any. And no work means no paycheck. So I put in grueling hours, squeezing in as much work as is humanly possible (or inhumanely, as the case may be), when there’s work to be done. Then fretting when the work dries up.
I keep hoping the workflow will even out, but so far it hasn’t. But I can’t keep working these hours while I wait for that to happen because I’m grouchy, tired, frustrated, and negative. I’m wasting my precious North Idaho time inside pounding on a keyboard, instead of enjoying being here. And with 10 days left here, that needs to stop.
So starting tonight, I’m taking better care of myself. I’ll work as much as I can, but be sure to take decent breaks, and take care of other life issues. I sorely miss writing, so I need to find time to do that. I haven’t walked on the beach, climbed Tubbs Hill, had a bowl of soul at Java, eaten a salad at Moontime. Haven’t taken the time to just sit and breathe the fresh air, watch the sun sparkling on the lake, soak up a few rays.
I won’t produce as much work, so will feel like I’m letting down my company. Won’t make as much money, so will worry about paying the bills. But either I figure out how to balance life and work, or I get a real job again, where that balance is enforced. I have to admit, as I work all night or all weekend, sometimes I secretly envy folks that work 9-5 Monday-Friday, and have evenings and weekends off.
But I guess if I can create my own schedule, I COULD do that, couldn’t I?
Sometimes I’m pretty doggone dense.
Anyway, if I’ve been cranky and negative and distant, I apologize. I’ll do my best to find the positive again, and turn my attitude around. I’ve been ignoring my own mantra: life is short. I need to get busy living. If I can just remember how.
Wish me luck as I try to tame my workaholic demons…